b r a v e c r e a t u r e s

Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
If you obsessive-compulsive, press one repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press two for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want - stay on the line and we'll trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressive it doesn't matter which number you press as no-one will answer you.
If you are dyslexic, press 69696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key and wait for the beep.
After the beep, please wait for the beep.
If you have a short-term memory loss, please try your call again later, and if you have low self-esteem, hang up as all our operators are too busy to talk to you