b r a v e c r e a t u r e s

I was in Sydney on the weekend and ran into P, who I had been dating for a while. He is a wonderful man, and its a little sad that things ended.

But they did end and for what are, more or less, positive reasons for both of us.

He is no more perfect for me that I am for him - but people are not perfect and while we may not have been a match he is a good man, a good friend and someone I care about. I hope he has some part in the rest of my life.

When I look at the things in him that I value, its his honesty and his humor and his honor. People don't need to be perfect to be worthy of love, they just need to be themselves. None of the men I have been with seriously have been centerfolds, or fashion plates - but they have all had a certain quality of heart that makes them radiant as people†.

I heard a quote the other day that says something of this:

My lovers eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red, than his lips red:
If snow be white, why then his chest is dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on his head.
I have seen roses damasked, red and white,
But no such roses see I in his cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my lover reeks.
I love to hear him speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound:
I grant I never saw a god go,
My lover, when he walks, treads on the ground:
And yet by heaven, I think my love as rare,
As any he belied with false compare.

I am paraphrasing here, but I think you get my meaning.

P is a beautiful man and its true that I miss him. For all of his imprefections, for all that he walks on the ground, he is a rare and wonderful man. As much as I would like to, I don't think I will say this to him, he might get the wrong ideas about my intentions. I miss him, its true, but I want what is ahead of me, what is right and true for me, not simply what is good in my past.

I hope he knows how much I value him, how much I think he is worth.

† barring one poisonous exception

I thought it would be worth while to reflect a little on the past year. I set myself a few goals for 2006 so lets have a look at how I did.

First and foremost

> Be happier

Definitely!

After the appallingly unhappy years of 2004 & 2005, '06 has been MUCH better. I have been caring a whole lot less what other people think, been concerning myself with my own stuff and living within my own limits. I had put a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect, get everything right and not fail at anything I do, and that's just not possible I am afraid. I think the biggest thing I am learning is to forgive myself my weaknesses and worry about the things that I can effect and control rather than all the things outside my control.

With a new job has come some opportunities to affirm my capabilities to myself. The last job I had in the US was pretty draining in the end, and with all the other things that were going on behind my back - lies, betrayal, infidelity - my confidence was pretty shaken. This new role has allowed me to regain some of my strength, while the year of so off has taught me to not value myself for my work alone.

> Learn Spanish

Not quite.

Having met quite a number of Francophone's at the start of 2006 I went for French instead.

J'ai étudié French pour six mois avec L'Alliance de Francaise et je jouis l'expérience. My french classes are all of Saturday morning, about 4 hours each week. Its pretty draining, but I like the mental challenge. Apparently I have a good accent and my construction is good, but I need to work a little more on my vocab. I suspect I will try studying a different way this year as I appear to be spending a lot of time shuttling to Sydney on the weekends, which is difficult if my Saturday mornings are taken up.

I am enjoying it a lot though so I don't plan to give it up. I would really like to spend some time in France soon, as I suspect that would really help. I am thinking I might need to relocate for a while to Europe so I can get some immersion.
 
> Physical Adventures

I work out a lot, and mostly I enjoy the exercise, but I feel that gym work is a bit limited and unreal so this year I wanted to do some more physical things. While I didn't get into a really regular routine with anything, I managed a few adventures.
In January of this year I went diving on the Great Barrier Reef with a mate from France, and had a fantastic time. I learnt to dive after visiting the Maldives with Stephen in 1996. I got my certificate after that and went diving a couple of times, but dating an (unadventurous) asthmatic put a bit of a crimp in that so I hadn't been diving for years.

Its a really beautiful and peaceful experience.

Even my overactive cognition slows to a putter when I am underwater and my head is full of only the sounds of my own breathing.

I also went rock climbing a few times, which TOUGH but great. Its made harder for me given that I am nearly 115kgs and that's a lot of weight to dangle from your fingertips. I think there are also some technical skills that I need to learn because I was pretty crap at it, but I think I might go on an adventure weekend this year and see if I can pick a few things up.

Gliding is not exactly a physical adventure, but it was a blast none the less. I had developed over the long dark tea time of the soul that was '04/'05 a bit of an aversion to heights and flying. I found I had gotten really anxious about it, so I figured the best way to deal with that developing fear was to face it.

Gliding is an amazing sensation, peaceful and not at all scary - which surprised me a bit. I didn't go in for any acrobatics, unlike my adventure partner, but next time I will. And i am sure there will be a next time.

I am working my way up to parachuting, but one step at a time I think.

> Finish my Masters

Oops. Didn't get this one done. But you cant do everything. I have until the middle of next year so I still have some time up my sleeve, but I need to get a wriggle on.

> See more of Australia

After travelling in America, I decided that I need to make sure I had seen more of my own home country before I stepped outside again.
This year I managed Cairns, Port Douglas, the Daintree, the Reef, Batemans Bay, Jarvis Bay, Canberra , Byron Bay, Lismore and the Yarra Valley. I want to do some more short trips this year coming and I REALLY want to get to Uluru. I have not seen the desert interior of my country and I want to. I would love to cross the Nullabore on the  Indian Pacific train, or go to Darwin on the Ghan. We will see how those plans come along.

All up I think I did pretty well for 2006, so now its time to start thinking about what's on for 2007. I will make a more definitive list by my birthday in mid January, but for now here are some opening thoughts.

> Plan less, be more in the moment
> Become more financially stable
> Save the deposit for a apartment for my mother and purchase said property
> Complete my Masters thesis
> Disconnect myself completely from my ex (there is still some peripheral entanglement, but I am chipping away at it)
> Travel overseas again
> More physical adventures
 - Abseil
 - Parachute
 - Rafting
 - Snowboarding

As a final note on 2006 I think I will remember it as the year that I learned my heart hadn't grown cold and hard. It seems as badly hurt as I was by my ex, my capacity to be open and trusting was only set aside, not forsaken. While I have been proving this to myself, there is someone who as been a catalyst. I don't know where things are going with him, but I do know that  I am enjoying it and I have missed him a lot while we have been off on our separate, long pre-planned, Christmas getaways.

I am up in Sydney for Christmas, and if you are in Melbourne and reading this, please dont rob my house. All the good gadgets are with me anyhow so there is nothing worth lifting.

I am up here to spend Christmas with my mother and our extended family. This is the first time in about 7 years we will all be together and we are all looking forward to it I think. I came up here last night to spent the night with Paul. He is off to Canada to go skiing, which had been planned a long time ago. I am a little disappointed he isn't going to be here for the holidays, but its not a big deal. I am glad he is going to have a good time, and what I am doing is the right thing for me. No drama.

HE is even kind enough to be letting me stay at his place which I am in Sydney and he is away.

So I am sitting here tonight, watching some TV and writing, and I find that it seems a little strange to be without him.  And its good to recognize that, at last, I am missing someone else.

Indeed all things do come.

Last weekend I went on a get away from Sydney with Paul. We drove down the south coast of New South Wales visiting Jarvis Bay and stopping for the night at Batemans Bay . Both were really gorgeous and it was a pity we didn't have more time to spend there, but we were enjoying the road, the opportunity for uninterrupted conversation, and the weather on the coast was a little grey, so we pushed through to Canberra on Saturday morning.

That afternoon was glorious in the ACT and we decided to start sightseeing at Parliament House, New Parliament House that is. Its been there something like 20 years, you would have to wonder when we will stop calling it "new". I guess since we didn't do away with the charming, stodgy old pile of "Old" Parliament house and instead built it into the New House's ambiance, it will likely always be part of the landscape and so the new house will always be "new".

I have been to the new house before, but not for long, and this time we did the tour. It was well worth it, a better hour sight seeing I have not spent in a long time.

To my mothers lasting disappointment, I am not especially patriotic, but there is something about the New House that made me proud of my country. We are a smallish country, economically prosperous, generous internationally with our wealth and generally a friendly people. And we don't take ourselves too seriously. It turns out our government house really suits us.

There were a few things that stood out to me, that made me proud of my nations accomplishments and our restraint. 

As you arrive at the building, the first thing you come to is the Forecourt, with its stark beauty and its island water feature. The centre of it is a huge aboriginal art work, recognising the original inhabitants of the country. Even if the current government cant say sorry, my nation wants to be made whole through integration not assimilation. The water feature and the mosaic make an island surrounded by a ring of water. Like my country, a small island girt by sea.

This is what the place is like, not subtle but not crass. It has some simple, realistic messages that it speaks plainly. Again, like my people, the place is simply spoken and to the point. 

Across the Forecourt is the Great Veranda, which is grand as well as charming and welcoming, how many government houses have marble clad in vines and creepers. Unlike the US Houses of Government which, in my opinion, cold and forbidding Parliament House welcomes you and offers you respite from the heat generated in the Forecourt.

The doors the Veranda leads to are personal and welcoming. Its a place anyone can and should enter. Its the people house of government, not the governments house of the people.

The building is designed in a modern style that looks forward and does not try to conquer the landscape. Rather it melds itself into the hill on which it sits, enhancing the scene by joining it rather than fighting it. There is grass on the roof, and you can walk up there. So that the people stand over their government, not the other way around.

Hows that for symbolism. And its intentional.

There is lots more I could say about the place, I just loved it, but I will stop my rambling and say that it was the highlight of the trip (apart from the time with Paul, but that kind of goes without saying). If you get to Canberra make sure you make time for a visit.

More pictures, if you are interested, at Flickr . 

For an old show pony, its funny that I dont go to see much in the way of Theatre at the moment. But on Saturday night I got an opportunity to remedy that a little. A chance encounter at Sleaze with an old mate, Steph, and I was off to see the world premiere of "Priscilla Queen of the Desert, the stage musical".

Let me clarify something right now, I didnt dress up, but it did occur to me.

I will cut to the chase, the show is clever and funny, its well worth going to see. It very much follows the film, while still managing to inject its own spectacle and humour so even though I know the film back to front I still find myself very absorbed in the show.

The performances are great, all of he leads do a good job, treading a fine line between simply recreating the screen performances and breathing new life into the characters. In some ways I actually felt warmer about Bernadette on stage than on screen.

One of the stand out successes for the show is unsurprsingly the costomes. Tim Chappel and Lizzy Gardneer have been reunited and their respective strengths shine though, both incredibly creative and excellently executed. All of the production numbers come alive a sparkle in ways that even the film didnt manage.

All up its a tremendous show. If your travels take you to Sydney, stop off at the tack-o-rama Star City Casino and get back in touch with your FemNine side with a night with our old friend, Priscilla.

One of the great institutions in Sydney has always, in my adult lifetime at least, been the Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras Festival, Parade and Party held in March each year. As a fundraiser for these events SGLMG would hold another party in October, Sleaze.

Darker, dirtier, fewer tourists, sexier and a lot of fun this event marked the beginning of the summer season of fun, the way Mardi Gras marked its end. Over the years I ahve been to a lot of Sleaze (no comments please) and usually enjoyed them.

I havent been to one since 2000 which is prior to the collapse of old Mardi Gras and the creation of "New Mardi Gras". I actually havent been to a NMG event at all, so last weekend when I travelled to Sydney was the breaking of a long drought.

Initially I hadnt intended to planned to go to the party at all, just the Sunday day parties, but Princess Nathan has OTHER ideas. Come Saturday night I was nagged, bullied and cajoled in turns until, Young Divas & the fierce Ms Blige pumping in my ears I Evangelisa'd into an old contacts apartment inthe Horizon to pick up my comp passes and VIP pass.

Knowing every faggot on the face of the planet has some advanges.

Back at Nates, some lightning ablutions, a glass or two of Dom Pérignon and a single costume change later we were into a limo and off to the party.

The party is definately smaller, and less polished but I had a really good time. The halls were fun, the music diverse and well spun and the crowd VERY good looking, but then I have been in a self imposed exile for the last couple of years so I seem to have forgotten how good looking men can get. And my they were friendly.

A number of my best friends were there, so I hung with my peeps for most of the night and just had a fabulous time. The only real negative I can give the night was the shows. Mardi Gras has long had a tradition of having AMAZING shows but it seems like that at least has slipped significantly. Its not just about a clearly lower budget, there was no real spark to them. But maybe my head was elsewhere and I didnt get them.

All up it was a fantastic night and Babs and I were only saying on Thusday that we could actually do it all again, which for me at least is quite something since I am not a party hound at the moment. After heading home at 6 and some rest and recreation Nate and I regrouped and headed off to Homesexual at Darling Harbor, where to all accounts, we made much mischief.

But thats another story.

If you are interested, there are some Sleaze weekend pictures in the Photo Album and on Flickr. 

I was up in Sydney a little while back. I was having breakfast at the Tropicanna when a handsome guy came in to by himself a coffee, presumably on the way to work. Tall, blond, thirtyish with wide shoulders and a solid back end on him, the kind of butt that implies great legs no matter what pants someone is wearing. He went out of his way to catch my eye and gave me the cheekiest smile. All in all, you couldn't ask for more to get my attention.

Once he had his coffee, he came over to my table and struck up a conversation - I think the line was "you're not from around here", but whatever he said in a few seconds he proved himself to be not only handsome but smart and funny. He was off to work and I was off to some meetings so he didn't stay long, but he did give me his number and asked for mine. He asked me if I would like to meet him for a coffee or a bite to eat before I went back to Melbourne.

I managed to restrain myself from saying HELL YES and mumbled something that skirted complete uncool.

The next couple of days were busy and not particularly conducive to socialising so, we didn't meet up. To be honest, while he was a stunner, a number of things that happened on the trip put him out of my mind. As a result on my last morning, when I got an SMS from him at 7 am (WTF!!), I grumpily ignored it. I figured I would see him another time.

As I was on the train on my way to the airport I got another message from him. This time it included the text - "what are you up to for the next two hours" along with a picture of his handsome, smiling face and quite a bit of naked torso.

WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING!!! 

I messaged him that I was on my way to Mascot to catch my flight and that unless he felt like coming out there we were out of luck this time. There was a bit of a delay and then he messaged me "that aside - are you interested?". My response - "VERY". The next message got me a lump in my throat, not to mention my pants - "If you're on QF Blah Blah, your flights been delayed. On my way to the airport to meet you, see you in 20".

As I finished checking my bags in, I turned to see the sexy bugger sauntering through the crowds of grey and black clad business travellers in a low slung pair of chocolate puma trackies, and a bright t shirt. And either he wasn't wearing underwear or he was blessed in more areas that I had previously realised†.

My flight was indeed delayed and that on top of me being early anyhow meant we had nearly 2 hours. Over the last few years the Qantas terminal at Mascot has become a fully fledged and pretty up market shopping mall with some good food outlets and great shopping. We had a bite to eat and talked. Turns out he is as interesting and funny as he is sexy and I laughed and laughed with him. With him all the while rubbing against me discretely to keep me always at least slightly aroused.

OK, pretty much fully aroused the whole time.

We teased each other constantly. I really enjoy being sexy in public is ways the other people don't notice. Its dangerous and exciting, and he was not only up for it, he was REALLY good at it. After about 40 minutes of this he said "Come on, I have a girlfriend who works out here, lets go visit her". He could have talked me into almost anything at that point, so adjusting the lump in my pants I followed him.

We went into one of the fashion outlets in the terminal and chatted to his friend for a while. A nice girl who clearly knew him well and was happy to support our ongoing flirting. He had been looking at some clothes when he tuned to me and said - "what do you think of these pants on me?"

"They're not on you, so I cant tell" was my reply. "Thats easy fixed" he says, grabbing my hand and dragging me towards the back of the shop and the change rooms. His friends comment of "take your time" only just registered as I was completely focused on the fact that I might be about to get to kiss this amazing sexy man, a possibility I had ruled out given where we were‡.

He pulls me into the surprisingly large back change room, calmly closes the door, carefully hangs up the pants and turns to look at me - wicked smile splitting him from ear to ear - "I have been dying to do this" he says, and then with no rush, he kissed me.

I say with no rush, because to all intents and purposes my sense of time was completely suspended. He kisses beautifully and his strong body pressed up against me was completely intoxicating. I am not sure how long we were in there, and I am not divulging ALL Of the details, but there is not much we didn't do given the limitations of space and a pretty hard floor. The change room mirror certainly came in very handy.

We finally extracted ourselves when I heard my flight. His friend had actually closed the shop and was doing some sort of stocktaking with her iPod on, which was fortunate because there were some points where I think we were making a lot of noise.

He walked me to my gate, holding my hand the entire way. When we got there he said - "I really like you, are you interested in seeing me again?" This time I didn't hold back, I said 'HELL YES" and in full view of two (bitter, evil) stewards I am acquainted with kissed him.

Since then he has been down to Melbourne once and I have been up to Sydney once. I am not sure were its going, and it doesn't matter. I am having fun with it, and thats all that counts.

 † The latter - he was wearing a swimming jockstrap, which I now posses and am in fact wearing as I write this

‡ I am all for PDA's (public displays of affection) but snogging someone I have really only just met, and desperately want to shag, does seem a mite tacky.

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For the record, this is more or less a complete fiction. What is more and what is less, you can figure out for yourself.

 Oh and thanks to http://www.britdoodz.com for the artwork,

I suspect I am totally going to use that post title again in the near future.

So where am I, what haven't I been posting and what the hell is going on. For a man with SOOOO many opinions on SOOOO many things I have been strangely silent. Sorry people, its pre season and I am preping to shoot my student film for this year - Fleabag. Its all coming along well and I am having a blast - but I am tres busy.

French is going really well, I have had a couple of mixed business/pleasure related trips to Sydney with interesting outcomes and life is on the whole very good. I will write more soon, I promise.