b r a v e c r e a t u r e s

My mother, being fiercely patriotic and  not wanting me to forget how fabulous the home country is while I travel the old world, sent me this the other day. It got a laugh, I thought I would share.

It reminds me of Sharon and my "Observations on London" from 2001 - which I must get around to bringing up to date.

1. You know the meaning of the word 'girt'.

2. You know that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.

3. You think it's normal to have a leader called Kevin.

4. You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.

5. You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.

6. You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil case when he first attends school.

7. When you hear that an American 'roots for his team' you wonder how often and with whom.

8. You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.

9. You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'.

10. You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'.

11. You believe the 'l' in the word ' Australia ' is optional.

12. You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas.'

13. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.

14. You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'.

15. You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.

16. You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.

17. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.

18. You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'.

19. You believe that something resembling cooked-down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread.

20. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.

21. Hamburgers. They contain Beetroot. Of course!.

22. You know that certain additional words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song - Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again.

23. You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.

24. You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not spelt with a 'u'.

25. You wear ugg boots outside the house.

26. You believe, as an article of faith, that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.

27. You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.

28. Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.

29. You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is always polite.

30. You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion, via your nose.

31. You understand that 'you' has a plural and that it's 'youse'.

32. You understand that it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.

33. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerns the rules for beach cricket.

34. You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'.

35. You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'.

36. When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit.

37. You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.

38. You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.

39. When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.

40. You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second.

41. You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.

42. You know that, whatever the tourist books say, no one actually says 'cobber'. That's a load of cobblers!

43. 'Mate', on the other hand, is compulsory.

44. And you will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand.

 

12 months.

12 months I have been in Europe. I arrived here last year just in time for Europride in Madrid. I came here from Melbourne, from winter and darkness, sadness and woe. I came with my self esteem just reconstructed after a dire few years.

I came here to Madrid, one of the proudest, most regal cities in the world, to sunshine and summer, friends and excitement and warmth of all kinds.

And since then I have been happier than I can remember.

Oh not mindless, unexamined happiness. There have been ups and downs, annoyances, trouble and a little strife. But the abiding impression I have is of happiness.

So this year I have come back to Madrid to celebrate the anniversary of my arrival here, on this continent, in this new life. My return from the moon where I had allowed myself to be cast out. My return to myself.

Last night I had dinner with a few of the people who greeted me to this new life of mine. New friends and old. We ate and laughed; joked and teased each other (as is the way of my clan); flirted and lavished physical affection.

Now I am back from outer space. I love it here, and I intend to stay.

I am really ready to leave Melbourne. I am working on some opportunities and when the time is right I will be heading off, but int he meantime its nice to recognize that the place I have spent the third longest in my life has some wonderful parts to it.

Check out the web cam this came from for the latest image. 

Not a usual occurrence for me, but I went out this weekend just past, and much to my surprise had an EXCELLENT time. That Bill does know how to throw quite the party.

One of the biggest reasons I went was I have been promising my (straight) training partner a boogie for quite some time and have not come through. If I had not turned up this time I would have gotten my arse substantially kicked. And boy is he fun to disco with. My oh my.

Now its been a long, long time since I had a good time here in Melbourne. Lots of reasons; some of them mine, some of them to do with the place; but its not been a conducive environment.

Not surprisingly, now that I have made the decision to leave this place, things are starting to come good. I am not likely to change my mind on staying here, but it will be good to leave on good terms with Melbourne.

And where ever I go, David is going to be one of my favourite party pal, not to mention a good friend. 

With some irony considering my previous post from 6 am this morning, guess what arrived today.

My Christmas present from Mr Special, after a little drama with store.

Because there were none in stock when Mr S went to buy it, and because he was sure (correctly) it was a great gift for me he give me a gift card from Myer - who have NO idea about customer service.

After calling almost every day to see if its was in; cause they wont take pre-orders and wont call you to let you know they are in stock; dropping in on the weekend and generally being a (charming) pest, they finally called me today to let me know they had stock - would I like to come down.

So I did.

And on my Birthday too. Bless. Things are looking up for this year.

Given that its a STINKING HOT DAY here in Melbourne, you know that I am now going to be up until 3 in the morning playing Zelda, naked in my living room, don't you.

Here in Australia the weather is well and truly freaking out. A week before Christmas here in Melbourne the temperature was around 32°  every day for a week, and in Melbourne that means dry heat. A week later and it was 18° and snowing in the Victorian High Country.

At Christmas!

Now for your northern centric bores, remember thats like saying it was snowing in San Francisco or London on June 25th.

Freakish!

Of course it did help contain the once in a century bush fires that were at the time ravaging an area the size of Belgium in the states north east. But apart from that small dump of snow, the country appears to have been unbelievably dry. Farmers in the Murray Darling Basin*, one of Australia's bread baskets, conveniently placed in one of the most naturally arid regions in the country, are entering their seventh year of drought. Meanwhile  most capitals are  employing quite sever water restrictions and Melbourne's reservoirs are expected to drop to 20% by May '07.

Its disturbing, in an Al Gore kind of way.

I went to a party up in Lismore for New Years Eve, Tropical Fruits, and the landscape in New South Wales could not be more different to Victoria. Its green and lush still, while down here it is frighteningly dry and brown. The party was fairly good, but it got fairly cold over night and because I was re-hydrating responsibly I found that I was heading to the bathroom every 20 minutes or so. I say "bathrooms" but in fact there was not much in the way of facilities on offer and because boys will be guys† were going where ever they liked.

It feel like we had become nothing more than a clandestine mechanism for moving water from one place to another while warming it slightly. Its as if the Lismore Shire Council was secretively flouting the water restrictions by using 2000 gay men as a watering system for their lawns.

Aside from anything else it resulted in an evening of "no don't sit there…or there..no not there either".

But I digress.

In actuality its been a higher than average rainfall year for Australia. No really, it has. Its just that its not raining on the places we live and farm - which used to be where it rained all the time. Thats why we lived and farmed here.

But it seems that has changed. According to the Australian Bureau of Meteorology, 2006 has not only been one of the hottest years on record, its been one of the strangest and the Australian farming districts heading for a decade of drought its pretty clear that Australia is going to need to lead the world in addressing climate change. I know I am banging a well gonged drum at the moment, but this needs reinforcement at every level because the reality of the situation STILL Doesnt seem to be sinking in with most people.

Its going to take more than a few peeing faggots to solve the problem. Its going to take a concerted effort, changes in habits (do you really need to flush), government and public programs and a willingness on the part of businesses to look to get ahead of the climate change curve and advantage from the differences rather than suffer. But before they will do that, there needs to be government pressure to push them in that direction.

As my friend Sharon says - Carrot AND Prickly Stick.

The question I have for you dear reader is - what the hell are you doing? What have you changed in the last 12 months to reduce power usage (power leads to carbon remember), reduce emissions and reduce water usage.

At the very least, have you written to your local member, or the Minister for the Environment and Heritage letting them know that you are concerned with the issue and you want them to address it more directly? If you dont say anything, they don't know - and an email takes literally 10 minutes. 

Think about it - ok? 

* Actually its name, I am not just being camp 

† And some girls actually

I am up in Sydney for Christmas, and if you are in Melbourne and reading this, please dont rob my house. All the good gadgets are with me anyhow so there is nothing worth lifting.

I am up here to spend Christmas with my mother and our extended family. This is the first time in about 7 years we will all be together and we are all looking forward to it I think. I came up here last night to spent the night with Paul. He is off to Canada to go skiing, which had been planned a long time ago. I am a little disappointed he isn't going to be here for the holidays, but its not a big deal. I am glad he is going to have a good time, and what I am doing is the right thing for me. No drama.

HE is even kind enough to be letting me stay at his place which I am in Sydney and he is away.

So I am sitting here tonight, watching some TV and writing, and I find that it seems a little strange to be without him.  And its good to recognize that, at last, I am missing someone else.

Indeed all things do come.

The Cole Enquiry handed down its report yesterday and it was tabled in Parliament.

The gnashing of teeth from the opposition was audible here in Melbourne as the Government and its Ministers were exonerated of any criminal charges. AWB and it leadership on the other hand have been dealt a stinging rebuke which is (likely) going to result in ugly, painful, personally damaging legal action. 

Couldn't happen to a nicer bunch of fellows far as I can see.

The report concludes that the employees of AWB knowingly paid money to Saddam Hussein's regime and actively sought ways to get around the UN Sanctions against Iraq and Australian Business and International law. They actively engaged in analysis to find ways to skate as close legal line as possible - and clearly they skated over it.

 As dreadful as this seems, even in with the hindsight provided by being at this end of the WMD-less Iraq war, why is this so surprising?

Does anyone really think that corporations are paragons of virtue? That they don't attempt to manipulate situations, the law and government to their advantage? That business wont do whatever it takes to make a profit?

It seems that the current business climate is more about what you can get away with, rather than what is right or honourable. And that for business the horizon for planning doesn't extend much further than the current financial year, or the next reporting period.

When there is so much money on the table, when senior executives stand to make such enormous personal profit, is it surprising to see corporate misconduct like Enron, Halliburton and Parmalat; and now like AWB?

I don't agree with it, I don't think it's right, but it just doesn't surprise me. The western capitalist system is set up to encourage greed, so lets not fool ourselves that results like this are anything other than expected. Not that I am suggesting that the alternative is any less intrinsically corrupting, that is if there is actually an alternative in play at the moment.

When piles of money are raining at you from on high, I suspect that its hard to resist. Even though, lets face it, there is actually only so much money needed to get you to happy. More money, doesn't make you more happy. Its just more money. Don't get me wrong, I like nice things, and I like to live well, but if two years as a (very) poor student taught me anything, it was that I could live and be happy on very little.

A lesson I suspect the folks from AWB are about to need to learn.