b r a v e c r e a t u r e s

If you are a tourist in London I would recommend avoiding travelling on the Tube weekdays between 530 and 700 pm.

Not to put too fine a point on it, Londoners* are now permitted, by Mayoral order, to beat you senseless with your travel guides and day packs.

It was a long trip home tonight, and after being savaged by a Dropbear, I am no longer a nice person. Don't let the sunny exterior fool you.

*yes, this now includes me

At the end of 2005 I started this blog for two reasons. Today it seems those reasons are freshly relevent.

The first was as a way to practice writing. I had been at film school for 9 months, and according to my lecturers I didn’t completely suck at it and perhaps working on it regularly would help improve things. I feel like it’s really time for me to focus again on some of the parts of myself that I have, to a lesser or greater extent ignored since I have come to London. This is one if them.

The other reason for writing was as an outlet for the things I was thinking and feeling in relation to the end of a long relationship. While that one is now well behind me, the battlefield that is dating amongst gay men in London takes it’s own special tole, and it needs an outlet too.

I thought it might be worth introducing this to London. I use Strine a little, but I keep being misunderstood by people - so time to educate the masses*

Australian spoken english using slang terms with no spaces in between words.

Someone who can actually speak fluent strine is very rare, generally only found in surf clubs or bowls clubs

e.g.

itsfuckenorrightaymate

avagoodweegend

garngetfucked

* The 6 masses that actually read this bloody thing

My mother, being fiercely patriotic and  not wanting me to forget how fabulous the home country is while I travel the old world, sent me this the other day. It got a laugh, I thought I would share.

It reminds me of Sharon and my "Observations on London" from 2001 - which I must get around to bringing up to date.

1. You know the meaning of the word 'girt'.

2. You know that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.

3. You think it's normal to have a leader called Kevin.

4. You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.

5. You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.

6. You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil case when he first attends school.

7. When you hear that an American 'roots for his team' you wonder how often and with whom.

8. You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.

9. You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'.

10. You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'.

11. You believe the 'l' in the word ' Australia ' is optional.

12. You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas.'

13. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.

14. You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'.

15. You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.

16. You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.

17. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.

18. You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'.

19. You believe that something resembling cooked-down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread.

20. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.

21. Hamburgers. They contain Beetroot. Of course!.

22. You know that certain additional words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song - Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again.

23. You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.

24. You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not spelt with a 'u'.

25. You wear ugg boots outside the house.

26. You believe, as an article of faith, that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.

27. You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.

28. Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.

29. You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is always polite.

30. You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion, via your nose.

31. You understand that 'you' has a plural and that it's 'youse'.

32. You understand that it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.

33. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerns the rules for beach cricket.

34. You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'.

35. You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'.

36. When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit.

37. You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.

38. You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.

39. When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.

40. You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second.

41. You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.

42. You know that, whatever the tourist books say, no one actually says 'cobber'. That's a load of cobblers!

43. 'Mate', on the other hand, is compulsory.

44. And you will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand.

 

I thought it was just me.

Seriously.

I thought I was the only fag who has chilled on the material girl. 

Hard Candy is OK - but its never grown on me as some people claimed it would (and you know who you are), unlike the Kelly Rowland or the Mariah Carey albums.

Given I thought I was the only one a bit lack luster on her, imagine my surprise when I asked around to find if anyone would be interested in going to Paris to see the Sticky and Sweet show - and no one was interested. 

Just about every one was totally "not bothered" about it. The most scaothing comment was - "who wants to see a 50 year old woman in lycra parading her camel toe around on stage to songs I don't like"?

Ouch.

The London show was ridiculously over priced and is a mammoth stadium, so unless you paid a fortune you were pretty much guaranteed to see just her on screen.

Might as well do that at home.

So it would seem that, at least for now, the picky fag audience is voting with its feet, credit cards, and snippy comments against Madonna.

Maybe I am not crazy.

So at last I am on my way for my first real holiday of the summer, a week in Ibiza. I have had a few long weekends, but not a good solid break. London is a fabulous city, but you do need to get away.

The summer here has been great so far, lots of sunshine and warm weather, but I have not found the groove of enjoying the warmth yet. I think that's because I haven't found a pool here to hang out at.

Hamstead Heath Pond is suppose to me great, but London is so vast I have not found my way there yet.

But for now I am off to the Spanish sunshine again with a song in my heart and a swing in my step.The DLR and the Standsted Express, not to mention Stansted Airport itself is not the most glam beginning, but with my friends E&C, J, my room mates F&M, L and D; I am sure things will be far more glam as the week progresses.

One of the things that has struck me about living in London is how it seems that every street corner I turn around I come across another street name that is straight off the Monopoly board. It excites and delights me.

Without fail.

So I thought I would play a little blogging game with it. I will seek out all of the places on the board and make a record of my discoveries there. Given the combo of my iPhone and its WordPress client, it should be easy enough to get my thoughts done on the hop.

This is probably something only my mother is going to be interested in, but I don't much care. It seems like fun to me. So children, let's just remind ourselves about the places on the board, shall we?

Colour Square Value - GO! - Brown Old Kent Road £60 - Community Chest - Brown Whitechapel Road £60 - Income Tax £200 - Kings Cross Station £200 Blue The Angel Islington £100 - Chance - Blue Euston Road £100 Blue Pentonville Road £120 - Jail - Purple Pall Mall £140 - Electric Company £150 Purple Whitehall £140 Purple Northumberland Avenue £160 - Marylebone Station £200 Orange Bow Street £180 - Community Chest - Orange Marlborough Street £180 Orange Vine Street £200 - Free Parking - Red Strand £220 - Chance - Red Fleet Street £220 Red Trafalgar Square £240 - Fenchurch Street Station £200 Yellow Leicester Square £260 Yellow Coventry Street £260 - Water Works £150 Yellow Piccadilly £280 - Go to Jail - Green Regent Street £300 Green Oxford Street £300 - Community Chest - Green Bond Street £320 - Liverpool St Station £200 - Chance - Blue Park Lane £350 - Super tax £100 Blue Mayfair £400

Some of these are going to be less than obvious to manage - what the hell is Comunity Chest going to be for example, but none the less I think its going to be fun.

In four or five months, you people here in London are going to be bitching about the cold and the lack of sunshine. At that point I want you to all stop and look back at this glorious summer.

It's really been spectacular. Sunshine, warmth and plenty of adventure to be had. If there is no light with out shade - here is the light.

Enjoy.