b r a v e c r e a t u r e s

This is one of the assignments for my screenwriting class at school. I had to produce a letter to someone from the past to whom I could no longer speak. Writing it was a really wonderful experience, so I thought I would share it here.

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Dear Alan,

I remember telling you, in about 1990, that it was too late for us to have the same sort of relationship anymore. That it had to change – or to end. I remember being really clear with you on it, and you taking it surprisingly well. Given how much of a change I was expecting, it is surprising to me now that you took it so well. And knowing what I know now, knowing how much I miss you, I regret not trying harder.

I still remember the day you called my in 1995 with the news. It was January 15th, the day before my birthday. Why do things like this always happen on, or around my birthday? You called out of the blue to tell me that you had to go into hospital for another operation.

ANOTHER?

After the first cancer scare, you had promised to never leave me in the dark on something like that again, so here you were with the news that you were going back into hospital (BACK) for another operation (ANOTHER). You always were the king of the fucking understatement.

Two previous operations for cancer – why is it ALWAYS cancer – and NOW you are thinking to tell me that you are dealing with it again. I guess that should have been the tip off, that you were finally telling me, that you wanted to talk. I should have guessed that there was more to it and that you were actually worried this time.

So rather than going to see you just in case, I stayed home, I stayed in Sydney. And you never woke up. That was the last time I talked to you. Sure I got to see you, but you were in a coma and while I am sure you knew I was there I couldn’t hear you. I couldn’t talk to you. I couldn’t tell you how I felt.

In truth you and I needed to change our relationship, but I think that point always comes for two men like us. We need to change and grow and find new ways to relate, but at the heart of it how I loved you didn’t change.

I am sorry I didn’t come and see you more, now that you are gone – really gone – there are so many things I wish I could share with you.  So many things I would like to say and so many stories I wish I could hear from you. But I cant, writing this is about as close as I can come.

So let me say it one time, clearly. Thank you for being who you were Alan and for helping me become who I am now; the good and the bad.

I love you and I miss you. You did become my friend and probably one of the best ones I ever had, but you were more than that. You are more than that. You are my father.