b r a v e c r e a t u r e s

12 months.

12 months I have been in Europe. I arrived here last year just in time for Europride in Madrid. I came here from Melbourne, from winter and darkness, sadness and woe. I came with my self esteem just reconstructed after a dire few years.

I came here to Madrid, one of the proudest, most regal cities in the world, to sunshine and summer, friends and excitement and warmth of all kinds.

And since then I have been happier than I can remember.

Oh not mindless, unexamined happiness. There have been ups and downs, annoyances, trouble and a little strife. But the abiding impression I have is of happiness.

So this year I have come back to Madrid to celebrate the anniversary of my arrival here, on this continent, in this new life. My return from the moon where I had allowed myself to be cast out. My return to myself.

Last night I had dinner with a few of the people who greeted me to this new life of mine. New friends and old. We ate and laughed; joked and teased each other (as is the way of my clan); flirted and lavished physical affection.

Now I am back from outer space. I love it here, and I intend to stay.

My recent post wrongly implied that my UK work Visa had been approved, alas that wasn't the case.

Now it is! And I am really excited.

The last 12 months has contained a lot of challenges, things that I have wanted slipped through my fingers. Opportunities that appeared to offer me the things I real|y wanted, ended up taking away far more.

Dramatic? True? this time it's Both!

So what about the UK? Could this latest venture turn sour? Of course it could. But I don't think it will this time. Not because of any mystical "rightness" or because I am somehow more deserving now, Or even because I "learned" something.

I think this has sorted out and come through because I have sorted out my head and put in the effort. I am ready for this change and it shows in the results.

I can deal with the out come of my decisions, whatever they may be.

"Come what may" doesn't mean - provided its good, it means regardless of what happens I will come through OK.

So here I go to London - Come what may.

The day is coming soon when I will depart these sun burnt shores to follow in the footsteps of some of my countries great cultural exports, Edna Everage, Clive James and Kylie Minogue. That impending departure has had me  thinking about my countries obsession with travel

Like them, and thousands before me, I am leaving this Great Southern Land to seek my fortune in the "mother country", whose green and pleasant shores have long held a fascination for Australians. Steeped in history and rich in cultural significance, two things noticeably lacking from a place only 2200 years old (to us whities), for Anglos (or skips as the Wogs call us) England has an attraction that is hard to define, and impossible to deny.

The land from which (some of) my forbears were exiled, supposedly to the remotest, most unforgiving place on earth, is still called home by some in the, now, incredibly multi-cultural and diverse Australia. While we eventually thrived, how we arrived here and the unforgiving landscape left us with a lingering desire for Another County .

For Australia's in the 50's & 60's there was a sense of pilgrimage about the voyage back to England, partially because of the immense distance, cost and time involved in the voyage but mostly because it was like returning to the house of parents who had cast us out of. We return to Blighty as prodigal sons & daughters, either as a supplicant. Desperately trying to conform, or as the brash, uncultured antipodeans out to gain acceptance by force.

Australians returned to England to rejoin a world they felt cast them out, abandoned them. A world of culture and refinement, the like of which, in the 1950's, was hard to imagine would ever come here.

Nowadays things are very different. It seems the whole world is beating a path to our door ad you can't throw a rock without hitting an enormous, up coming talent.

The galleries, salons, opera houses, recording studios, films & television programs of the old world and the new world are full of the children of the New New World. Children of no revolution - apart from an internal one, that has led us to find a buoyant joy in who we are, and where we have come from.

The old drive to travel is still there, but n0w it is motivated by the desire to explore, to adventure. to learn, to experience - all under pinned by a sense of play that is palpable and With none of perception of smug, entitlement that makes the average American so painful - and unpopular.

So with my long hermitage nearly over I am preparing to pick up the bags my countries past has packed for me and walk the ether way down the yellow brick road.

The last few years have had more than their fair share of self doubt - somehow I kept everything moving forward but there were times I want not entirely sure how or why I was managing.

My life pretty much always has a sound track to it, usually its up beat and eclectic but the Songbook for 2005's is particularly and uncharacteristically sad - or possibly just self pitying, the difference is usually perspective and/or time. A big contributor to that song book was Australia's newest singing wonder - Missy Higgins with her debut album, The Sound of White.

There are songs on it that gave voice to the bad things I was feeling and crow bared in a little hope

Now its getting to the middle of 2007, and this years song book is well underway. Its much happier, with only the occasional touch of melancholy. Rob Thomas's - LIttle Wonders is a shoe in to make my end of year mix but now Missy has released her new album and I may have found the anthem track for the year - Steer.

So hold this feeling like a newborn
Oh with freedom surging through your veins
You have opened up a new door
So bring on the wind, fire and the rain

But the search ends here
Where the night is totally clear
And your heart is fierce
So now you finally know
That you control where you go
You can steer

My life is regaining the direction and drive that characterised the first 35 years, and again Miss Higgins is going to help provide me the sound track as I start on the next adventures I have planned for life - and life has planned for me.

Have a listen to the remix at You Tube .  

Not a usual occurrence for me, but I went out this weekend just past, and much to my surprise had an EXCELLENT time. That Bill does know how to throw quite the party.

One of the biggest reasons I went was I have been promising my (straight) training partner a boogie for quite some time and have not come through. If I had not turned up this time I would have gotten my arse substantially kicked. And boy is he fun to disco with. My oh my.

Now its been a long, long time since I had a good time here in Melbourne. Lots of reasons; some of them mine, some of them to do with the place; but its not been a conducive environment.

Not surprisingly, now that I have made the decision to leave this place, things are starting to come good. I am not likely to change my mind on staying here, but it will be good to leave on good terms with Melbourne.

And where ever I go, David is going to be one of my favourite party pal, not to mention a good friend. 

I was in Sydney on the weekend and ran into P, who I had been dating for a while. He is a wonderful man, and its a little sad that things ended.

But they did end and for what are, more or less, positive reasons for both of us.

He is no more perfect for me that I am for him - but people are not perfect and while we may not have been a match he is a good man, a good friend and someone I care about. I hope he has some part in the rest of my life.

When I look at the things in him that I value, its his honesty and his humor and his honor. People don't need to be perfect to be worthy of love, they just need to be themselves. None of the men I have been with seriously have been centerfolds, or fashion plates - but they have all had a certain quality of heart that makes them radiant as people†.

I heard a quote the other day that says something of this:

My lovers eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red, than his lips red:
If snow be white, why then his chest is dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on his head.
I have seen roses damasked, red and white,
But no such roses see I in his cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my lover reeks.
I love to hear him speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound:
I grant I never saw a god go,
My lover, when he walks, treads on the ground:
And yet by heaven, I think my love as rare,
As any he belied with false compare.

I am paraphrasing here, but I think you get my meaning.

P is a beautiful man and its true that I miss him. For all of his imprefections, for all that he walks on the ground, he is a rare and wonderful man. As much as I would like to, I don't think I will say this to him, he might get the wrong ideas about my intentions. I miss him, its true, but I want what is ahead of me, what is right and true for me, not simply what is good in my past.

I hope he knows how much I value him, how much I think he is worth.

† barring one poisonous exception

I thought it would be worth while to reflect a little on the past year. I set myself a few goals for 2006 so lets have a look at how I did.

First and foremost

> Be happier

Definitely!

After the appallingly unhappy years of 2004 & 2005, '06 has been MUCH better. I have been caring a whole lot less what other people think, been concerning myself with my own stuff and living within my own limits. I had put a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect, get everything right and not fail at anything I do, and that's just not possible I am afraid. I think the biggest thing I am learning is to forgive myself my weaknesses and worry about the things that I can effect and control rather than all the things outside my control.

With a new job has come some opportunities to affirm my capabilities to myself. The last job I had in the US was pretty draining in the end, and with all the other things that were going on behind my back - lies, betrayal, infidelity - my confidence was pretty shaken. This new role has allowed me to regain some of my strength, while the year of so off has taught me to not value myself for my work alone.

> Learn Spanish

Not quite.

Having met quite a number of Francophone's at the start of 2006 I went for French instead.

J'ai étudié French pour six mois avec L'Alliance de Francaise et je jouis l'expérience. My french classes are all of Saturday morning, about 4 hours each week. Its pretty draining, but I like the mental challenge. Apparently I have a good accent and my construction is good, but I need to work a little more on my vocab. I suspect I will try studying a different way this year as I appear to be spending a lot of time shuttling to Sydney on the weekends, which is difficult if my Saturday mornings are taken up.

I am enjoying it a lot though so I don't plan to give it up. I would really like to spend some time in France soon, as I suspect that would really help. I am thinking I might need to relocate for a while to Europe so I can get some immersion.
 
> Physical Adventures

I work out a lot, and mostly I enjoy the exercise, but I feel that gym work is a bit limited and unreal so this year I wanted to do some more physical things. While I didn't get into a really regular routine with anything, I managed a few adventures.
In January of this year I went diving on the Great Barrier Reef with a mate from France, and had a fantastic time. I learnt to dive after visiting the Maldives with Stephen in 1996. I got my certificate after that and went diving a couple of times, but dating an (unadventurous) asthmatic put a bit of a crimp in that so I hadn't been diving for years.

Its a really beautiful and peaceful experience.

Even my overactive cognition slows to a putter when I am underwater and my head is full of only the sounds of my own breathing.

I also went rock climbing a few times, which TOUGH but great. Its made harder for me given that I am nearly 115kgs and that's a lot of weight to dangle from your fingertips. I think there are also some technical skills that I need to learn because I was pretty crap at it, but I think I might go on an adventure weekend this year and see if I can pick a few things up.

Gliding is not exactly a physical adventure, but it was a blast none the less. I had developed over the long dark tea time of the soul that was '04/'05 a bit of an aversion to heights and flying. I found I had gotten really anxious about it, so I figured the best way to deal with that developing fear was to face it.

Gliding is an amazing sensation, peaceful and not at all scary - which surprised me a bit. I didn't go in for any acrobatics, unlike my adventure partner, but next time I will. And i am sure there will be a next time.

I am working my way up to parachuting, but one step at a time I think.

> Finish my Masters

Oops. Didn't get this one done. But you cant do everything. I have until the middle of next year so I still have some time up my sleeve, but I need to get a wriggle on.

> See more of Australia

After travelling in America, I decided that I need to make sure I had seen more of my own home country before I stepped outside again.
This year I managed Cairns, Port Douglas, the Daintree, the Reef, Batemans Bay, Jarvis Bay, Canberra , Byron Bay, Lismore and the Yarra Valley. I want to do some more short trips this year coming and I REALLY want to get to Uluru. I have not seen the desert interior of my country and I want to. I would love to cross the Nullabore on the  Indian Pacific train, or go to Darwin on the Ghan. We will see how those plans come along.

All up I think I did pretty well for 2006, so now its time to start thinking about what's on for 2007. I will make a more definitive list by my birthday in mid January, but for now here are some opening thoughts.

> Plan less, be more in the moment
> Become more financially stable
> Save the deposit for a apartment for my mother and purchase said property
> Complete my Masters thesis
> Disconnect myself completely from my ex (there is still some peripheral entanglement, but I am chipping away at it)
> Travel overseas again
> More physical adventures
 - Abseil
 - Parachute
 - Rafting
 - Snowboarding

As a final note on 2006 I think I will remember it as the year that I learned my heart hadn't grown cold and hard. It seems as badly hurt as I was by my ex, my capacity to be open and trusting was only set aside, not forsaken. While I have been proving this to myself, there is someone who as been a catalyst. I don't know where things are going with him, but I do know that  I am enjoying it and I have missed him a lot while we have been off on our separate, long pre-planned, Christmas getaways.

I am up in Sydney for Christmas, and if you are in Melbourne and reading this, please dont rob my house. All the good gadgets are with me anyhow so there is nothing worth lifting.

I am up here to spend Christmas with my mother and our extended family. This is the first time in about 7 years we will all be together and we are all looking forward to it I think. I came up here last night to spent the night with Paul. He is off to Canada to go skiing, which had been planned a long time ago. I am a little disappointed he isn't going to be here for the holidays, but its not a big deal. I am glad he is going to have a good time, and what I am doing is the right thing for me. No drama.

HE is even kind enough to be letting me stay at his place which I am in Sydney and he is away.

So I am sitting here tonight, watching some TV and writing, and I find that it seems a little strange to be without him.  And its good to recognize that, at last, I am missing someone else.

Indeed all things do come.