b r a v e c r e a t u r e s

I have been quiet for a long time, haven't I?

First it was dating someone. Then it was not dating him any more that was occupying my time.

And now writing is no longer a habit. Work and training are also occupying a lot of my time and attention.

But writing is something that I really enjoy - both the creative outlet and the discipline - and if I am ever going to get the script for "Boy meets Girl" knocked over I am going to need some writing discipline back in my life.

I am also beginning to break out of my self imposed exile - or at least preparing to take the next in a long series of steps.

Are you ready folks? Cause its almost time to play "Where in the World is Wobby Now??" 

Its 5 am and I am sitting here with my coffee (artificial sweetner) looking out into the dark outside my windows. Summers outrageously early sunshine has all but left although its still pretty warm, however I still find myself having - what the bloody hell am I doing moments.

The last few weeks have been pretty frantic with work but I recently encountered a catalyst that has kick started my hard training habits so I have also been working out a whole lot more. I got sick of standing in the shower and thinking "I need to loose some weight" so at last I am doing something substantial about it. 5 am starts - 40 minutes cardio, 20 minutes of abs then off to work - all without breakfast so I am highly fat burning through it. Its pretty grim, but its having the desired effect.

 In addition to that I have still been putting in some pretty hard workouts in the evenings, and I finally got to the Physitheripist to sort out some back problems which has meant my workouts are getting more effective. All of that combined with a much cleaner diet with some basis suppliments; like protien, creatin, wheatgrass and glucosamine; has really improved things.

I think I am looking better, and I am certainly FEELING better - although of course I am pretty tired what with the early mornings and not necessarily early nights to match. 

So I am not writing much for now, but thats not going to last forever.

Being one of the un-mutilated, and having gone through the process of being teased about it at school only to go on to discover having some additional skin is actually a GOOD thing, imagine my horror at the recent news that circumcision actually helps to stop the spread of AIDS.

CRAP!!!

Apparently , in three separate studies designed to clinically assess the connection between circumcision and a lower risk of getting AIDS began in 2002,.  preliminary results showed an astounding 63 percent decrease HIV infection in circumcised, heterosexual men compared to uncircumcised, heterosexual men.

Not flattering numbers I have to say

Apparently all of the cells that make things significantly more sensitive ALSO make one more vulnerable to infection.

The conspiracy theorists are going to have fun with this one - who would profit from killing of uncut fags?

Meanwhile I need to decide if I can actually put myself through that. Apparently its one of the MOST painful operations one can have as an adult. 

Oh joy. 

I was coming home from the gym today when I found a message on my phone. A message that when I first heard it actually made tears appear. Tears of happiness.

My US Green Card application has failed, for reasons that I am not going into here and I have been left a little directionless by this piece of bad news. I can't tell you how much I want to move back to San Fran, and how much I miss my friends there. Its not a perfect place by any stretch of the imagination, but its the place I have felt most at home.

So suddenly, out of a clear blue sky, this message comes in from my friends there and rather than making me feel sad about the failed green card, it galvanises me to figuring out how to get back where I feel I belong.

I am not sure how I am going to manage it, but I am feeling Mary Tyler Moore† about it. I'm going to make it after all.

The irony of this arriving on the day I used "Hope" as my word of the week is not lost on me.

Thank you Jerry, hearing from all of you is exactly what I needed. 

†Not the Minneapolis part. No offence to the fine people of Minnesota

I got some bad news tonight.

Not "mother dies of cancer" kind of bad - she is fine.

Not "you have six months to live" kind of bad - I am in perfect health as far as I can tell - touch formica.

Not Ache Tsunami bad, or Pakistan Earthquake bad, or Sudanese massacre bad or Israel bombing the crap out of not only Hesbollah, but also civilians in Lebanon bad. These things are really serious and clearly trivialise my own disappointments.

But my disappointments are mine to deal with and are tough in their own ways.

What happened was was personally bad but not physically scaring - and for now the details will remain deliberately obscure. What I will say is that one of the top 5 things I want in life  is probably not going to happen - ever.

Not Darfour bad. But a bummer none the less.

In a case of turning lemons into lemonade something became very clear to me as I sat here enjoying a conciliatory Pinot or two‡. As much as I want there to be a solution, and while I was/am/will look for a way around this in the short, medium and long term, I am not sitting in the corner crying, hoping that someone might save me.

I am not waiting for anyone to fix this for me, not even James. I have remembered that I can fix this or find an alternate path on my own. While that seems like a no brainer , its been a while since that was so clear.

Just not having to deal with overwhelming grief as well as whats actually going on is a huge relief.

And as good as that is, the real biggie is -  for the first time I realised - I don't want "him" back.

Don't get me wrong I still love James, but I dont need him, and unless there were some fundamental changes I don't want him back. I have been sitting at the negotiation table for a long time now - waiting and hoping - but my counterpart is unwilling. There is nothing I can do to heal things on my own, or to get him to come to the table.

Sad, but at least I'm (finally) realising it, and with that I am another step along the path - where ever that may lead. The truth is that I want and deserve a better life for myself than that. And bugger me if that better life doesnt seem to be seeking me out - come hell or highwater.

For now its off to bed alone, not my favourite way to be in bed (and thats about companionship rather than sex) although I am pretty sure there is a certain someone who would be here if he could, if the flight wasnt so far. But in the end, I will sleep just fine.

Before I sleep tonight I want to thank a few people for their support in the last few weeks. In no particular order - Billy, Bruce, Barbie, Binky, Bluey, Mumsy, S&M, the Grand Peres, Le Beau Ours, Scottish Air-bear, Latin Legelisoir and Lionheart. Nothing big was needed, just care and confidence in me. Confidance that there will be another path, that I will find it.

Thank you. 

 As my grandmother used to say, "when god closes a door, somewhere he opens a window" and thanks to both Alan and Shirley - consumate make-happens themselves - Robert was all but born with a crowbar and a set of lock picks  clutched in his chubby pink fist. Its a good thing I was a caeser - is'nt it.

†A note about the picture. While it seems cheesy, and ematesque at the time I made the original it was a beautiful image. It hung over someones desk in two countries and three cities and a reminder of my devotion. To this day it retains a great deal of power for me. I am not seeking to profain it at all, but the figures have moved apart and changed. I dont know how the grey man has changed, only that change has occured. The orange man however is attempting to rediscover his inner nobility - and he likes flashy hats.

‡Glass…bottle. You say poTAYtoe, Barbie says poTAHtoe

I may not be able to talk to you right now, want you to know that I wish you all the best.

I hope your 37th year treats you very well and brings you the wonderful things you really deserve. And just maybe one great thing that you dont think you do.

Love

R

Have you ever been amazed by you ability to catch a ball. I am a bit of klutz so it always surprises me.

If you think about it for a second, it’s a pretty amazing thing. So many calculations and assessments must be taking place in your brain on a second by second basis, none of which you really have the time to really perceive or even be aware of.

Step this up a level and see it in the context of a cricketer or a baseball player or a footballer. How completely amazing some of the catches they make are. And again, there is no time for then to really think about it. It just happens.

We as humans are amazing in our ability to do things by simply allowing our instincts, perceptions and reflexes to interact and bring us the desired outcome.

So it is, I suspect, with love. When I met James there was no question or reserve. it simply happened driven by things unseen and unacknowledged, things that function at those gut levels. I tried to be sensible about it for a while but there was a deeper driving force that just swept away any attempt to stop it. It was like we both just put our hands out and plucked love from the air, caught it as it flew by. It was simply amazing.

Then as amazingly as it came, my ability to catch that ball seemed to just vanish, leaving me wondering what next.