Spontainaity

I am a deeply spontaneous person, there is often little distance for me between thought and action. Sometimes I feel like a primal set of instincts and drives loosely linked together by an overwhelming curiosity, a slightly dazed sense of humor and flawless fashion sense.

One of the ways this spontaneity shows itself is that I really like surprising people. I like to see people happy and that look of unexpected joy is incredibly satisfying.

If I was going to be brutally honest with myself, one of the reasons I like doing it so much is that I like receiving those sorts of surprises myself. Traditionally though I have dated very reserved types and as a result its been kind of low on the spontaneity/surprise factor. Being fair a certain blond did actually manage a few beauts over the years, which to this day still made me very happy to remember.

I will always treasure the memory of the sight of him standing in the reception of my work, his head nearly completely hidden by one of the biggest bunches of flowers I have ever seen, his radiant smile beaming through the bunch and surrounded by a group of my jealously steaming female co-workers. He knew I had been very busy at work, and under a lot of pressure, so on his day off he just decided to do something nice.

It certainly worked, I was walking on air at work for about a week afterwards.

Then there was the failed surprise birthday party. Failed because San Franciscans generally cant keep their big yaps shut and they kept on telling me how much they were looking forward to the party. I managed to keep my knowledge from him for a couple of weeks before someone finally blew it in front of us both. A valiant effort.

But these acts of spontaneity were few and far between, and almost always awkwardly delivered. But somehow more precious for that.

This sort of awkwardness has been a feature of the men that I have dated. They have tended to the serious, careful and measured. Probably a good balance for my own somewhat fast moving, impulse driven and, dare I say, mercurial nature. 

I must admit that now I look for a larger level of spontaneity in the people I have in my life. And that means the men I date, if its dating that I am doing. I like surprises as much as I like surprising, its makes life interesting and gives it oomph – as my mother would say. Having other peoples views and drives in my life gives it texture I just couldn't provide on my own. I like being taken out of my head to places I would not have thought of going on my own.

I have a vivid memory of a post breakup period, many years ago now, when I went to the video library. Standing there trying to decide what to watch I burst into tears because I knew all of the choices I could make would be mine – there was no longer another person to show me new things, there was no chance of a surprise. In the end I think I watched "How to make an American Quilt" – an appropriately tear jerking choice to match my mood of the time.

This desire for other peoples view points, to hear things I didn't know, to experience things I wouldn't have thought of myself remains a recurring theme in my relationships – lovers and friends. I guess thats why my friends are so eclectic. And why my partners have been very different to me in temperament. 

Some people are spontaneous and some just aren't I suspect, and I wonder how much of that is learn-able. Certainly I would have a bugger of a time if I were to try and stop myself being spontaneous. I tried to do that, to curb my enthusiasm, for the last two years and it drove me nuts. I feel much more relaxed now that I am letting myself engage in a some random acts of kindness, and gratuitously random behaviour.

As much as I would like to date someone who is wild and adventurous, I wonder how much I can have of that and still be with someone who stimulates me with a different view of the world. Certainly it seems futile to expect someone to change how they approach the world, to expect someone measured and careful to be wild and crazy.

Its that perennial question, can you have it all?

What I am sure of is that an occasional bunch of flowers and a radiant, little boy smile won my heart and made me happy in ways that still I have trouble articulating.