It's been a week of strange dreams. Some of them have been real doozies, and not the fantasy, dancing jalapeños with strawberry cricket bats or the super Mario flying kind. They have been dreams of things that I would like to happen, day dreams coming to me as I have slept with all the technicolour and full sense-o-round that asleep dreams have.
There has been no need to translate; I get what these dreams mean – both directly and indirectly. They are me dealing with the loss of a(nother) very substantial dream, the second most significant dream of my life. My capacity for hope in the face of adversity and defeat keeps trying to assert itself, when there is pretty much no hope to be had. I am clinging to the things that have made me happy in the past, even when they are no longer on offer
I recognize that the solution for me is the find new dreams, to find new things to fill my nights and my fantasies but the two things I dream about are so strong for me – my love of San Francisco, my life and my friends there; and my still abiding love for my ex.
One of these two I can do something about – San Francisco. The place keeps calling to me. I want to share an email that I got from a friend when he found out I wasn't making it over a couple of weeks back. I have paraphrased a little to protect his identity.
Sweetheart
I will call you as soon as I get to work tomorrow….or actually in the afternoon because you are ahead…..the BF and I were REALLY bummed. I looked for you everywhere. I kept my phone by my bed each night…..
We are hiring…..
I know you did not work in my area BUT, you are a seasoned PM and have incredible leadership qualities…..if you want, send me your resume and I can see what my boss says.It is a thought. I will see what I can do on my end; if you want….I may know someone to help….you never know.
Love
T&T
And this is only one of a number of messages from people I haven't seen since April 2004. Is it any wonder that I feel like it's my home?
People ask me all the time why I want to leave Australia. The best answer I can give is that while this is a wonderful place, I would always want to come back here, and if things were different I would ABSOLUTELY have made a happy home here, right now it's not the place for me.
Here in Australia, and in Melbourne in particular, I am too big, too loud, too brash and to over the top. I startle and surprise far more than I delight. So do I change me, or my location? The truth is that the man the last 3 years have forged needs other horizons, other types of people.
So once I have regained some composure, I will see what the real outcome is in relation to the US. And failing that, things look quiet hopeful for London in the spring.
The question all of this leaves me with is – do you hold on to your dreams; high, fiery noble dreams; regardless of cost, work and fight for them for all you are worth, or do you surrender to the whims of chance and accept the dreams that fit into your circumstances and make the best of them?
Or does being true to yourself and also true to the world require some middle ground, and area I have long been bad at exploring.
In the meantime, I sit here with a milky hot chocolate and a tasty Cote D'Or Bouchee and hope that the sleep that's been avoiding me tonight will come soon. And that it will bring with it happy dreams complete with Marios Flying Cap.
2 Responses to My flying cap eludes me
Twitter Feed- Cheer up, Twitter will be back soon
That was a really beautifully written post..
As cheesy as it sounds – whatever you do don’t give up on your dreams. as much as you feel they are becoming further and further out of your grasp the most important thing is you have them in the first place and thats a brilliant quality in itself because alot of people DONT aspire to things out of the safety of their everyday existance.
I think you answered your own question anyway when you used the words “high fiery and noble” to described holding onto them.
If people never put their dreams out their and only did what they knew they were capable of no-one would ever get anywhere. Aim you hopes high and your a better person for it already.