Relationships into relationship-aid

I got some bad news tonight.

Not "mother dies of cancer" kind of bad – she is fine.

Not "you have six months to live" kind of bad – I am in perfect health as far as I can tell – touch formica.

Not Ache Tsunami bad, or Pakistan Earthquake bad, or Sudanese massacre bad or Israel bombing the crap out of not only Hesbollah, but also civilians in Lebanon bad. These things are really serious and clearly trivialise my own disappointments.

But my disappointments are mine to deal with and are tough in their own ways.

What happened was was personally bad but not physically scaring – and for now the details will remain deliberately obscure. What I will say is that one of the top 5 things I want in life  is probably not going to happen – ever.

Not Darfour bad. But a bummer none the less.

In a case of turning lemons into lemonade something became very clear to me as I sat here enjoying a conciliatory Pinot or two‡. As much as I want there to be a solution, and while I was/am/will look for a way around this in the short, medium and long term, I am not sitting in the corner crying, hoping that someone might save me.

I am not waiting for anyone to fix this for me, not even James. I have remembered that I can fix this or find an alternate path on my own. While that seems like a no brainer , its been a while since that was so clear.

Just not having to deal with overwhelming grief as well as whats actually going on is a huge relief.

And as good as that is, the real biggie is -  for the first time I realised – I don't want "him" back.

Don't get me wrong I still love James, but I dont need him, and unless there were some fundamental changes I don't want him back. I have been sitting at the negotiation table for a long time now – waiting and hoping – but my counterpart is unwilling. There is nothing I can do to heal things on my own, or to get him to come to the table.

Sad, but at least I'm (finally) realising it, and with that I am another step along the path – where ever that may lead. The truth is that I want and deserve a better life for myself than that. And bugger me if that better life doesnt seem to be seeking me out – come hell or highwater.

For now its off to bed alone, not my favourite way to be in bed (and thats about companionship rather than sex) although I am pretty sure there is a certain someone who would be here if he could, if the flight wasnt so far. But in the end, I will sleep just fine.

Before I sleep tonight I want to thank a few people for their support in the last few weeks. In no particular order – Billy, Bruce, Barbie, Binky, Bluey, Mumsy, S&M, the Grand Peres, Le Beau Ours, Scottish Air-bear, Latin Legelisoir and Lionheart. Nothing big was needed, just care and confidence in me. Confidance that there will be another path, that I will find it.

Thank you. 

 As my grandmother used to say, "when god closes a door, somewhere he opens a window" and thanks to both Alan and Shirley – consumate make-happens themselves – Robert was all but born with a crowbar and a set of lock picks  clutched in his chubby pink fist. Its a good thing I was a caeser – is'nt it.

†A note about the picture. While it seems cheesy, and ematesque at the time I made the original it was a beautiful image. It hung over someones desk in two countries and three cities and a reminder of my devotion. To this day it retains a great deal of power for me. I am not seeking to profain it at all, but the figures have moved apart and changed. I dont know how the grey man has changed, only that change has occured. The orange man however is attempting to rediscover his inner nobility – and he likes flashy hats.

‡Glass…bottle. You say poTAYtoe, Barbie says poTAHtoe