Not Missing

I saw my ex a day or so ago. We had coffee.

A little while ago I wrote that finally I could say that I didn't want him back, but seeing him made me doubt the truth of that statement. He is still the most beautiful man I have ever seen – I can say that knowing full well that its not objectively true, its a reflection of my feelings for him, and my understanding of who he is. Still he takes my breath away.

When I mentally stand back from the conversation with him, when I look at how I behave, how I interact, there is no question, I still love him.  It doesn't feel any less powerful today than it did 6 years ago when love was at the height of newness and passion. But there is no outlet for it, no way I can share that with him because he doesn't want to let me in.

So I pick up my bags, emotionally speaking, and put those feelings for him safely away in a corner. I keep on moving knowing full well that things are getting easier day by day, but that really healing from ever thing thats happened isn't going to happen suddenly.

Last night a friend asked me out to dinner with him and a number of other of his friends. We had dinner on Victoria St and then went to the Laird, which is the busy bar on a Friday night here in Melbourne. I chatted and socialise, It was pleasant, but unfulfilling. The bar was a little sad, with people standing around clearly trying to make some sort of connection but not having any success in doing so.

Dinner was nice, but I don't think the whole bar this is me – problem is, I am not completely sure who "me" is any more. Its not the bars. Certainly its not "Gaydar" or the other "dating" services. I am also not part of the extreme-sex-with-no-intimacy set – and let me tell you when you discount those three areas the dating opportunities here in Australia are very thin.

I guess the biggest challenge over the next year or so is to figure out who the me is I want to be. I am getting some ideas, but I was honestly left so shaken by the breakup its taking a while to establish it. At I am just trying to do the things I enjoy and letting the people who are naturally along side me be there. 

Meantime, should I be pretending that I am not missing him? Should I play the tough independent, or should I allow myself licence to admit  how I feel. Maybe Stacey Orrico has some advice.