The light has already come
Monday, May 1st, 2006
I have been a bad blogger of late. Not much has come from me and for the six people who actually read this I am sure this has been a huge disappointment. To be honest, I haven't had much to say. My poison pen for the nonce is dry.
Well nearly.
A couple of random blog wanderings today have given me cause to extract a digit and try and get something down. The first was a blogger, who I enjoy reading, has me listed as one of his ten favourite blogs. Well fcuk me ('scuse me mum), am I flattered or WHAT.
The second was a blog posting from Big Paul in Canada. How I love this man, let me count the ways. He is married and I have no desire to change that, but he is just a wonderful, wonderful person. Not without faults‡ but then who is, and to be honest I don't feel the need for people to be without failings to be lovable.
Today I have been reflecting on a comment made by someone last night that I seem very cerebral, that I seem to function in my head more than my emotions. This is to some extent a surprise, cause I am a fairly emotional beast, but in truth its spot on the money. Over the last two years I have pulled back from my emotional life in an attempt to understand the things that have happened to me and to prevent any more of them occurring.
I have also been struggling to figure out what the hell happened. I guess I think that if I can figure it out, I can change it. But as someone very smart said to me a number of times, insight doesn't always give comfort.
Paul's post is interesting because I recognise that moment of falling to my knees and asking for things to be different, asking for some kind of answer. Sadly for me there was no Talmudic flash of insight, but over the last year in particular I have received pretty much this same piece of advice - from my Mother, from Marie, from Benja and Barbie and Joel and a range of people who are my friends.
To quote Paul and the Talmud, 'In the midst of the greatest darkness, what is the Jew to do?' 'Act as if the light has already come'.
So I have tried to and I do. I even listen to some related advice that James gave me any number of times - don't think so much. The question is though, how do you stop yourself thinking when you know that you need to stop thinking.
Circular problem that. Iam not sure what the answer is but I have determined, with some experimentation, it's not inebriation.
I suspect that Paul, and the Jews, are onto something. That I just need to keep acting like I am not thinking so much and in time it will be true. Not that thinking is such a bad thing, but its pretty great to just be, to just feel.
I have been really lucky that I have experienced some pretty elemental things, including really loving and being loved, and as much as my monkey brain gets in the way sometimes I have every intention of doing so again.
‡that weather conspiracy thing, don't get it.
