Looking at the trip to Cairns, there were a few things that happened that are of note. A bunch of things went wrong, I missed a flight (which cost me a chunk-o-change), there were abusive cab drivers and the tour operators for the dive tour blamed us for them completely forgetting to pick us up.
At one point during all of this, Jerome commented that I was remarkably calm, that he was amazed at how gracefully I had been dealing with all of these situations. Reflecting on it, he wasnt the only one amazed.
Strange to see myself so relaxed and happy, dealing with difficulties and annoyances easily and with such grace. Strange to remember how much of my life I was that person and not the other, the angry, frightened childish monster.
My perception of myself over the last two years is that I am a bad person, intrinsically flawed, not worthy of love and deserving of abandonment.
Now, with what feels like surprising suddenness I find that I am actually capable of laughter, surprises and joy. Not only that, but there is more than enough to share. I think the most astonishing part of this is that I recognize this person, this laughing, funny, sharing man.
He recognizable and dear to me. Much more recognizable than the person I have lived with over the last few years. This smiling person is the man who has done the things I am most proud of. He has taken chances, found friends in strange places, placed honor before desire and most importantly, he is the person I believe James fell in love with.
Maybe that shouldn't be my barometer for judging how good a person I am, but in some ways it is. Not that he loves me now, but that I am as good as the person he fell in love with. I dance around it, I try not to mention it, and sometimes even pretend it's not true, but it is; I still love James. I love him and hope that one day he will be back in my life, back in my bed and back in my heart.
I have no basis for this hope other than my own desire and my belief in how he loved me, how we loved each other. But I am not sitting around waiting, there are new people in my life now and I am learning how to open up to them. How to set aside the fear of failure and betrayal.
Whatever the outcome, the best thing for me is to continue this journey I am on; learning, growing, discovering; so that's what I am doing.
And along the way, I am glad to say I am starting to have some fun.
Twitter Feed- Cheer up, Twitter will be back soon
