Negative Feedback

Negative feedback is the process of feeding back to the input a part of a system's output, so as to reverse the direction of change of the output. This tends to keep the output from changing, so it is stabilizing and attempts to maintain homeostasis.

When a change of variable occurs within a stable range, the system will attempt to establish equilibrium. Negative feedback is also used in many types of amplification systems to stabilize and improve their amplification characteristics.

A simple and practical example is a thermostat. When the temperature in a heated room reaches a certain upper limit the room heating is switched off so that the temperature begins to fall. When the temperature drops to a lower limit, the heating is switched on again. Provided the limits are close to each other a steady room temperature is maintained. The same applies to a cooling system, such as an air conditioner, a refrigerator, or a freezer.

Negative feedback is a fundamental principal upon which the success of life is based, but is it also the basis for successful relationships? If we are not prepared to put the breaks on in time, why should we be surprised if things spiral out of control?

I was talking to Rugger over the weekend. He is a devastatingly handsome Brit with a huge beefy body and the angelic smile of a little boy. His now ex of a year has just moved out and he is understandably blue about it. They were together for 7 years and from the sounds of things shared something pretty good together.

So what went wrong?

His story is not mine to tell, but there were some similarities to my own that got me thinking. When things are not quite working, what do we do to fix them? Is simply smiling and accepting our partner's failings, when in truth they hurt us, actually an act of kindness or is it as much an act of emotional violence as screaming?

Or am I, in thinking like this, blaming the "victim" as I have been accused?

I have had a boyfriend who was prepared to help me when things got tough. He tried to take all my problems away, to fix things for me. The problem was that it was my self esteem that was most damaged by events outside our relationship and by trying to take my problems from me, he was also taking away my opportunities to fix things for myself and regain my self esteem. Meanwhile he became resentful, and finally he took away the last thing my self image rested on, his love.

I will admit right here I can be a lot of work. I am fiery and passionate, demanding and willful, arrogant and self absorbed. But in all the things I am that are bad I am also devoted and loyal, spontaneous and adventurous. Life with me is not boring. I will also admit that in my depression and fear, I can resort to behavior that does not serve me, that is selfish.

So who was at fault? Or is it just a case of a positive feedback loop making things worse? I simply can't escape the feeling that by not telling me, or perhaps even himself, the truth of how he was feeling, he doomed us to failure. Was I supposed to pluck the truth from the air? Was I supposed to read his mind?

In the end he left, and to this day I still don't really understand why. At the point we were ready to recognize that there was a problem, he just ran away.

For any relationship in life to be successful, you need to allow the control offered by a negative feedback loop to engage. You need to give your input and let it help direct the outcome. To not engage, to not talk, to not face your own demons, that is the real failure.