Brave Creatures

When it comes to food, depression, stress and tedium are my biggest enemies. Comfort and boredom, the two of them have shoved more unnecessary calories down my throat than I care to count. When I don't have enough to do, I will turn to food as recreation. My mother used to take me to task for standing in front of the fridge, staring into it. "Go outside and play, or swim. And if you want something to eat, have some fruit."

I suspect that eating gives me something immediate I can do that, at least in the short term, makes me feel better. That is until my pants stop fitting.

The post divorce depression really hit me in the diet and as a result I ballooned during 2004/05. The trouble is that once you get into your mid thirties, those extra kilos don't just disappear when you look sharply at them.

So at last I am getting back on track with my training. I am doing 30-45 minutes cardio a day, eating low carb a couple of nights a week and training a bit harder. In the last six months I have dropped about 8 kgs, almost all of which is fat.

Now if I can ratchet the training up a notch and scrub up the diet a touch more I should see some substantial gains. Oh and I need to lay off the chocolate, in particular Cadburys new "Boost" bars.

These things are so ridiculously full of sugar they actually crackle from the crystals, which of course makes them as addictive as crack cookies. On top of which, I get an insulin crash about half an hour after I eat one. But my god they are yummy.

Diet has always been my primary battle with body shape. I love to eat, love food with taste, and unfortunately taste means salt, fat and sugar. I have always thought it a particularly cruel evolutionary joke that the things that switch off hunger are also the things most likely to make you fat.

All this thinking about diet and body shape brings up questions for me about what am I really aiming for any way. It got me thinking about what is really important to me. I feel like there are two lists, what I think should be important and what's actually important. Here is an example.

I feel like I SHOULD be attracted to and attractive to the handsome and socially adept; the beautiful people who are handsome, built, witty, wealthy and fabulous. Truth is they tend to bore me, plus they usually run a mile from my sense of humor and almost complete lack of decorum. I am simply too "big" and loud and blunt.

It turns out that the guys I find really attractive are big in the body but not necessarily lean (but I am not talking fat here). What they all have however is a boyishness about them. There is something in their smile, some gentle innocence.

Steve had it and James was absolutely defined by it, his smile completely lit up my world.

I used to think that I was attracted to these guys because I was so serious and mean; that they provided a balance. I think the truth is actually that more than anything it's because I am at my centre a little boy myself - open hearted, trusting and loyal.

But after all that's happened how do I leave myself open again to find that in another person? After the last 2 years I am still so emotionally gun shy exposing myself to another person seems nearly impossible. And then there is my remaining loyalty to James.

I still wear his ring; not our rings, that I gave back to him in the lame hope one day he would ask me to wear it again; but the ring he first gave me. Foolish as I know it is, I feel naked with out it.

I guess something's don't change. I am emotionally standing in front of the fridge hope to find something that isn't there any more. Perhaps I should have some fruit, or go outside and play.

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 15th, 2006 at 3:50 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.