Memo to travel agents re SYD Mardi Gras bookings
Barbies dear friend Miss Jilly sent this around today. Apparently its the instructions to at a particular company re: Mardi Gras bookings.
Dear agents,
We have had an overwhelming number of clients seeking to find travel advisories specific to the Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras. Please do not direct these clients to www.smartraveller.com.au as I have been notified, by clients, that this site has "flagrantly ignored" the concerns of travelers heading to Sydney for Mardi Gras events this weekend.
To address the most common inquiries, please advise these concerned passengers as outlined:
AIRLINE CHECK IN TIMES
Despite the fact that you are flying to Sydney for Mardi Gras, you are not exempt from complying with normal check in times.
Please do not expect to waltz up to check in, 10 minutes prior to departure, and still get a boarding pass. Justifications for your lateness such as "I just didn't know what to pack" "I don't just wake up in the morning looking like this, people!" and "You just won't believe just how long it took them to make my organic soy latte!" will not get you on board.
BAGGAGE ALLOWANCE
On domestic and international economy tickets checked luggage should not exceed 20kg. Again there no are "special rules" for passengers in possession of Mardi Gras party tickets or hysterical sobbers at check in.
In an effort to keep you luggage weight down, here are a few tips:
* Instead of bringing you lucky hand weights with you, pack rubber
resistance bands instead. They're perfect for a pre party pump and with a few clever twists can also transform into tiny pair of shorts or a headband.
* You can take 7 kilos of luggage on board, so put your eye cream in
your carry on.
* Try not to dedicate more than half your luggage space to grooming
products. Lots of products can multi task; for example anything that says brightening, tightening and whitening can be used on both your teeth AND anal arena.
INCREASED SECURITY MEASURES
In the event that we are on a Code Orange (burnt tangerine) threat level, you are not permitted to take your fat calipers on board the aircraft.
Along with your Tweezermans and mini Uzi, these must go in your checked luggage. Members of El Gayda's South Beach Fl chapter have been known to use fat calipers as an instrument of torture.
Ensure that all checked luggage is locked. Do not keep it unlocked in the hope that baggage handlers will put a kilo of A class in there ?
they are more likely to amuse themselves by switching the contents of your jars of Pore Minimizer and Penile Maximizer (and if that stuff really works, you'll end up being able to fu*k your own face)
TRAVEL ATTIRE
Ground staff and cabin crew will request that you remain clothed in passenger terminals and aircraft. The party does NOT start once you've passed the security check, and even if your body "defines definition"
keep your shirt on. You can't use the excuse that your polo is making you all hot and bothered under the collar either. Try wearing it with the collar down.
SPECIAL MEAL REQUESTS
There is NO special meal available that caters to the all white dietary requirements of the recently zoomed.
ITINARIES
Obviously intinaries are going to be tight and if you're going to get to the "trillion"events and parties you've planned on attending, you need to operate with military efficiency.
Don't waste time trying to figure out the top/bottom dichotomy, wear you preference on your t-shirt. The usual blatant "Bottom is Tops" number that you wear at the gym may be a little too gauche for Sydney - go for more subtle statements. We like "I give and I give and I give/Always on the take"
Or "Can't be arsed/Very accommodating".
Get your phony business cards made up before you leave. These are quick to produce once you know the formula:
Name: Use your phonetic alphabet initials to create this i.e. your initials are VS you become Victor Sierra
Title: Needs to be fabulously nebulous i.e. Vice President Executive Managing Director ? Business
Qualifications: Just use a combination of airline and airport codes i.e.
PVG (CA) CDG (AF) LHR (BA)
Company name: Take your preferred shoe and wine labels and mix. *See below
HOTELS
If you insist on completely redecorating your room it will be at your own expense.
CRUISES
There has never been a butch gay cruise line called Rainbow Warrior.
MISC
That elusive "manly fairy" you are looking for is more likely to be found at Circular Quay than Arc.
Happy MG 06 people!
Best wishes
Juliette Bravo II
Senior Vice Consultant Travel Agent Provocateur
* Sergio Neuf du Pape Travel
